CALM UNDER CONFLICT

Have you ever noticed how much time and energy conflicts can take if they are not managed well (or nipped in the bud)? Even with all my years of working in the leadership and communication coaching field, I know that it can be hard to stay balanced when things aren’t working as smoothly as expected. Yet over time, I’ve observed that the more I can remain calm and approach conflict situations analytically vs. emotionally, the better off things turn out.

Today, most of us have pretty full – and at times hectic – lives, dealing with not only careers, but home, family, and all sorts of stuff!!! With that kind of pressure, and not a lot of time to step back and reflect, it can be easy to get “our buttons pushed” about something and then react versus respond. We might say or do things out of emotion, rather than from our wisdom, intuition, and heart. We can get disconnected from our principles, conscience, and larger vision of what’s important. Who among us hasn’t experienced this?

We each handle conflict based on what we learned while growing up, and later in life, from what we observed in our family, friends, teachers, and colleagues. Hopefully, we’ve been exposed to some positive demonstrations of handling conflict effectively – but my personal view is that very few people have! Most of us have a picture of conflict in which the heat goes up and tempers flare, the sandpapering or ruffled feathers between parties is not fun, and it’s certainly not something we look forward to!

While some people pull back and get very quiet when conflict is on the horizon, many leaders I’ve known report that when the heat is up, it’s easy to become edgy or tend towards an aggressive conflict style. There are some things to consider for dealing with this tendency.

Be aware when conflict is brewing and be honest with yourself about how you might tend to react versus respond. Consider the conflict as a self-coaching moment. Step back and breathe, then analyze the situation before responding.
Remind yourself that what’s really important is first staying calm and present, then figuring out what you personally are being asked to learn in the situation, rather than focusing on ‘the other guy.’ For example, this could be your opportunity to strengthen a character quality like patience, endurance, curiosity; it could be a reminder to stay in Discovery and use an asking approach versus a telling, directive approach; or it might be reflecting an important element or perspective which you’ve overlooked up until now.
What are the end results you’re really hoping for, both short and long-term?
Consider how your emotions might get in the way. How will you exercise restraint and stay calm so you can ‘keep your eye on the ball’ – the big picture, the end result you truly desire?
How else can you WIN – “Work It New” – so there’s some profit and learning for all parties, and everyone can move forward? For example:

What do you have in common with the other party? What do you both agree on?
Where are the specific areas of contention? How can you bridge those gaps?
How can you stay present and open to the exchange with the other party vs. shutting down?

How might you remind yourself of your long-term direction when the conflict gets frustrating and starts to take you off your game?
Be aware of your current capacity – both emotionally and schedule-wise. How much time and energy can you devote to this conflict situation? How important is it, really? Or is it turning out to be a big distraction? Might it be best to simply move on and focus forward, let this one go?

We can all profit from holding a healthier vision for handling conflict in our lives. As you use the above questions for self-coaching and enhanced self-awareness, you can become the example of staying calm and connected when the heat goes up!

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